Behind Those Shaded Doors.

That echo in my head's bothering me.

I know that she doesn't blame me at all, but I can't help but feel so guilty. This is sadness, loneliness, and resignation that I seen to the furthest extent. I never knew anyone who could tolerate such so much pain.

When I stared into her eyes last night, and she asked me,

"Seri, can you see whether I'm happy, or sad lady?"

Words failed me. Her eyes echoed that deep pain, deeper that what I knew of. And her bittersweet smile, told her story of pain and regret.
She loves me so much, and yet, my ignorance has hurt her over and over again. She's gone through so much, and yet this is all I can do for her.
Thinking about it, the countless times she called me up, asking about my well being, saying that she missed me, I just brushed it off with an afterthought of 'But I'm busy.'
I can kick myself so badly already.
When she asked me whether I knew the reason of her leaving, and not taking care of me anymore, I felt so ashamed. Too many times I've taken things for granted, too many. Hurting countless numbers of people in the process.

"I macam orang gila, missing Seri. Bolster you also I malam malam cium dan nangis."

It's a wonder that I didn't die there and then.
When she told me that S would often kena pukul by F for hurting me or bullying me, because everyone loved me so. And that that's why S grew up to be so rough and stubborn, the shock, guilt, and pain literally devoured my soul.
I can't help but cry now, thinking about the times I thought that S couldn't be saved anymore, that she's so stubborn. I can't help but take it as my fault. What can I do for S now? It's so limited.
If only I could turn back time.
The sadness and pain in her eyes, the bitter tears she cried yesterday, turned my heart into stone. I could neither feel nor breathe after she left.

"He is the winner. He cannot take the pain, and go off, Seri. Who is the loser now? "

"Me, Seri. I am the Loser."

Why did he have to go? Why didn't anyone tell me about what she went through? How things were back then.
I only have my ignorance, selfishness and ungratefulness to blame.

"Seri, now all I want to find is my beautiful garden. Where I will be happy, good and kind lady. Where I will be alone."

Such a rhetorical statement. Why would she want to be alone?
Oh yeah, because everyone, and everything that she freaking loved, was taken away.

"Tears are my best friend, Seri. Tears from heaven."

I swear that even if I'm not her true-born daughter or relative, I'm still going to be there for her, all my life. Commitments to my family still stand, of course.
But this the very least I can do for her, that I owe her.
As towards S, I'll try my very best to help her, not let her make the mistakes that I can foresee.

Once upon a time, I thought I'd gone through too much pain, more that what a heart could take. Then again, I was wrong.
I feel so small beside her, knowing fully well that in her shoes, I wouldn't have had the courage, the determination and faith to keep me going, living on.

You think that you know everything. That you know pain, sadness and insecurity.
But no, you're wrong. Only when it's right in front of you, that your eyes, too
clouded, will be able to see. Your heart would be able to feel, pain beyond
tolerance.