Death

One year has passed, being on social dating sites, and I'm still the same. By same, I mean in status. But my heart has been irrevocably changed.

This age of instant-consumption has also led to the expectations of instant love, and also instant distraction. All these matches I see on the dating app, gives me small pings of endorphins, knowing that somewhere in this world, there might be people who like me for who I am.

Bullshit.

I'm not even sure of who I am. Whenever I look at that write-up I have of myself, I ask how a human being, whose thoughts change with each ray of sun, each raindrop, can be summarized in words? The mercuriality of what we are and what we can be isn't something that should be overlooked.

But then why do I still scoff at profiles that are blunt as fuck, "not looking for something serious", "just here to play", and give them the finger movement of rejection? When they are the most honest ones.

And also, how did I get my heart and faith trampled on again. He made me feel too familiar, like what I could've had with Ian, but better. And after such a long time, I guess I should have known myself well enough to go all 100% invested once I see a glimpse of what I've wanted so badly within my reach.

I still don't know where I went wrong. Was I too forthcoming? Was it wrong to not play games and leave my thoughts and feelings out in the open? What gives him the right to do his best to hurt me, yet have me hanging on to his every word, his empty promises and quick apologies?

This must be what the cards told me, when they foretold Death. For all my life, love had always been a goal, a promise and something I innately believed in. I still do think that people are never truly evil, and that there's something in everyone that is worth loving. But I don't know when it happened exactly, but something big in me died and I can't even find the strrength to pick myself up and find love again. Just as this happens, all the guys that ghosted, left and led me on in the past, suddenly decide to contact me, in the span of a day. I can't tell you how creepy that was, but there was just nothing in me that wanted to deal with them anymore.

No matter how much I liked him, the logical side of my brain took over and told me that I should not accept that type of bullshit from anyone at all. And so I did what I do best, cut everyone off.

There's this hollow cavity inside me that I can't reach, can't feel, can't rectify. All I can do is feel. And I feel so much sadness. It's overwhelming me, but I am numb. Crying doesn't work, talking about it doesn't work, and sleeping it off doesn't work too! I'm not sure if there's anything I an actively do about it. It feels as if the part that was so full of hope, excitement and anticipation has suffocated under this blanket of blue and I can't even reach it to give a proper funeral.

The normal me is functioning well, but meeting new people no longer gives me that rush of hope, wondrous possibility and purity in motive. Maybe this is what it's like to feel jaded? I don't know. I definitely don't want to be that jaded persona that is cynical at everything but I don't know how to get out of here.

I don't know.

And it scares me, not knowing.



This is death as I know myself.