Well, I really have to do this little bit of self-realization. Was browsing through my old posts in the space once again, and I found that I really liked who I was Before You.
I quoted an article in my previous post here; about dating good guys. I'll re-quote some of the points that is relevant to who I am now.
I want someone who is a real, flawed human being – someone who, despite those flaws, makes the conscious, ongoing effort to act benevolently toward the people around him.
This is really important to me. I want to be with someone who knows the power and importance of loving people and treating everyone with kindness, something which I don't have to remind him about. Everyone is fighting their own battles. Treat each other with a measure of kindness and it will take the bitterness out of yourself too. Stop being so self-absorbed in how people make you feel, how they affect you etc, but take a step back and remind yourself that maybe those people weren't in a good position, maybe they have too many things on their plate, give them the benefit of doubt.
I'm sad to say that you aren't that person. You're still too self-absorbed. What you feel is most important, hence whatever actions that result from your mood is inevitable, even if it hurts others, it isn't your fault.
I want to be with someone who respects me, someone who I can respect.
I don’t want to date someone indifferent to themselves or to me. Is it an oddity that I don’t want to be treated like crap? I do not have time to hopelessly await someone’s phone call; I do not have time to place heaps of unwarranted blame on myself when someone or something seemingly ‘disappears.’ I don’t have the time to jump through hoops to prove that I am worthy of someone’s affections, and even if I did have the time? That’s not how I would spend it.
This was my breaking point. You treated me like crap, and all you can say was that it was a result of how you were feeling, upset. So should I tolerate that piece of bullshit and coddle you like you're the only one who matters in this world? Both of us were upset, but difference is I tried to understand, I tried to reach out countlessly, but you refused. You said that you love me, and that you mean it every time you said. Well, you don't treat people you love like crap. Bottom line is, you love yourself too much to love anyone else. Harsh, but true.
Ask yourself that every time I asked why did you do this, why did you do that, all you kept saying was that Because I Felt Like This.
And at most, I'm Sorry I'll Try To Change. Which never happened because I wasn't worth giving your best shot.
I’m not here to hold someone’s hand while they learn how to grow up. I’m not a pre-school teacher; I’m not a therapist.
You keep telling me, things can change, you can change, and that if we were to happen again, you'll be more mature. So in other words, even if we get together again, I'll have to hold your hand and watch you grow? I'm not your mother, go look for someone else to do that. I don't have to suffer so many heartbreaks just so you can grow, just for your self-discovery.
If I'm not worth your best, if I'm not worth you perseverance and effort, then please re-look the meaning of love. Because "I love you" from you, is a lie. You would never have given up. My pushing-you-away would have never hit its target. Because your love for me should have been able to overcome all these, if it was as true as you claim it to be.
I really want to give you time, because I really believe that you are a Good Guy. But if I have to suffer for you to be one, whilst I get treated like crap, I'm sorry. I too have self-preservation and some sense of dignity to hold on to.
I don't know where we can go from here, but I do know that you have a lot of growing up to do, self-realization that things don't just revolve around you.
If we ever happen again, I want to be able to be myself, without lowering my dignity, without resorting to begging to get your attention (which wasn't even undivided). I want to push each other to be better, in every sense of the word. Until then, we need to be an arm's length away at least.
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