Over and over

I am trying.
I am trying so fucking hard.
So damn hard to be happy for you.

I am. Really.
But it hurts to the bone to not be your reason for happiness.

It's been 2 months, but my heart still hurts like it happened yesterday. I thought that moving to someplace where there's no memories of us, would make it easier. But how would I have known that wherever I go, I still want to share my experiences with you. My thoughts, my feelings, my daily happenings.

I still find myself wanting to come home to you.
After all this time.

Why?
Why did I love someone like you, who could take everything from me in a second and leave me feeling like a hollow body. A zombie. Walking around without a heart, without a soul.

It hurts. Every day I bleed. Even when I went under the needle, it didn't hurt as much.
Why am I trapped in this sea of pain when you no longer feel it?

Why do you end up being a lesson to me?
Why does everyone I love end up leaving me like a painful truth.

I don't even know what am I supposed to learn from these 3 years. Not to give me heart so easily? Not to believe so easily? Not to be so blind? Not to give everyone the benefit of the doubt? Not to think the best of everyone?

Why do I find myself paying for something I didn't do, in tears. Painful, painful tears?

I'm scared. There's a hole where my heart once was. And I can't find where it went to, and this scares me.

Up till now, I've never been this scared, this hurt. I don't know if I can even love again, like before.