Choices.

I don't know if this is normal.
People here in this part of the world are so open and forward, especially the guys. I am mostly sincerely interested in meeting new people, learning their stories, imagining their hometowns in great detail.

But I don't know if I'm being too suggestive in behaving this way. Why are people asking me out? Why are people giving me their numbers? Why are people getting close to me in a most uncomfortable way?

Some of them, like Christian feel so painfully young but I do like his dorkiness and the way he makes me laugh on the dance floor. Jonathan is one whom I really can like as well, but I don't know if I should let myself. Tomas is quirky and I find myself thinking of him like a mystery that I'm not sure if I should solve.

And most importantly, I find myself not being able to trust my heart anymore. When I'm lying there with all the doubt in my head about whether is moving on too soon, or is this the right time, I often go back to thoughts like what if all of them were lying to me in some way?

I don't want a fling nor do I want to be one. But it is so tempting to share a bed with another person who genuinely likes you for who you are, even if it isn't fully reciprocated. To have warm hands draw you in, into a secure embrace and make you forget all your problems and baggage.

Maybe I should leave everything at the door. Maybe I should throw caution to the wind and do what the heart tells me to.

But as always, my head has been stronger. And it says that I will regret it, once again.
I can't allow myself to like a person because my heart does not simply stop there but I guess I've always been passionate in loving. And my fierce belief that there's something to love in everyone does not help.

Don't really know what I should do now.
Sigh.


And as for you, b. I don't know when it happened but I don't know why did I love you so blindly anymore. Especially when I think about your empty promises. How you treated me was exactly that of a person who loves how I feel around him, but not me. Never was it me. It was always you.

Now I don't know if I can love you back even when the doors are opened. Maybe I have already sealed the door with your name, shut.