I've made quite the change in settings and all because I realize that I want you to be followed for your content, not the writer. So heyho! Brand spankingly new!
To more important matters, exchange is coming to an end, and these 3 months have definitely changed my life, but not in the way I expected.
1. New Love.
The old me would be horrified and chastise my actions as reckless, a rebound act, immature, foolish, etc etc. But I've learnt that as all love isn't predictable, why put off new love? Or a better way (I might be too fast to conclude) is Right Love.
Just because my Old Love left me less than 10 months ago, why should I keep pining, or scolding, punishing myself for something I can't change? My heart still weeps for the Loss I feel, and in some way, I might still be lost too. But Christian, in all ways that I can see now, is good for me. I love him for his honesty and dorkiness that endears yet mostly embarrasses me (just in public). He isn't the type of person I would normally date, but with him, I grow stronger.
He is a good person all on his own, and save the eating habits, I don't have to mother him in other ways. He surprises me with his maturity and I appreciate his confidence to try all things new. But okay, I'm not here to write about Reasons Why I Love Christian, but rather, to share that this New Love of mine has made me grow, in ways I never knew I could.
He knows that I have baggage and sometimes I can just cry when old memories resurface, but that never throws him off. He doesn't worry about me loving him less, just because I am still trying to reconcile myself with Why Wasn't I Enough for the Old Love to trust and What Is Wrong With Me.
Instead, he concentrates on making me happy, and effortlessly pulling back the Trust I lost in potential better-halves.
On the other hand, I feel bad as his First Love. I feel so sorry that he has to handle my baggage although I constantly rebuke myself and take a deep breath to reanalyze the situation and rethink my actions. I still consider myself broken and bent and no one should have to deal with the tornado that is me as a First Love. Argh.
But yes, he makes me happy, and with him I feel like I'm slowly recovering. Very slowly. To the girl I was before Old Love. He is always overly affectionate especially in public. Or maybe that's just me being the Conservative Asian and him being the Open Angmoh. Despite the future being a tad bit blurry, I don't regret making the decision to love him, and in turn, let him love me.
2. Cautiousness
As I have known that I don't need many friends to be happy, but just a handful of close ones and I won't feel lonely, I still need to curb this instinct to be overly friendly and take everyone new under my wing. Jumping fast into some friendships leave me feeling like I wish I didn't associate myself with * so soon because being a nice and kind person is hard whenever he's around me.
3. Tatts
Yeah I got myself inked for a few reasons. Firstly, I've always wanted to be inked but not for anyone but myself. Secondly, the emotional/mental pain I was in was tremendous and I wanted a comparison for it to physical pain.
Obviously I would rather get a full-sleeved watercolour tatt than be in this state.
Anyhoo, this tatt really serves its purpose and reminds me, in the most timely manner, to always be kind to everyone and anyone. When people ask me about it, I actually feel the kindness in them to withold judgement till they know the meaning and full story of me and my tatt, and this in turn gives me more Hope for Humanity.
4. Patriotism
The P word.
I have always been proud of Singapore and being a Singaporean. And especially on exchange where you can compare yourself to others from different countries. I especially appreciate the fact that Singaporeans/Asians are taught to think of ourselves as "never enough". Although this might result in an inferiority complex, the bigger picture is that we are always humble, and thirsty in life. This is a very important driving force for people to push their limits and try to learn as much as they can from every person, every experience they have.
As expected, I also get sadder with my growth in patriotism as I, more evidently, see discontented friends around me always bashing Singapore. I know that I can't change everyone's mindsets, nor do I want to, but I just wish for once that they think of how lucky they are.
Just once.
The list is long but for now my brain is exhausted and I need sleep.
This was a much needed packing and straightening out of thoughts and I will be back soon!
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